Step right up!!
Come one, come all, to the Shitshow also known as My House!
Ladies, gentlemen, and all those with a penchant for utter chaos–witness the wonder that gathers under this tent! Come now, and feast your gaze upon the sheer Crazy.
Gaze upon the spit-smeared windows. Gawk at the gargantuan piles of Legos! Feel the crunch of dried mac and cheese noodles underfoot as you make your way to the living room, which houses our Three Acts of Wonderment.
First we have the 20-year-old 4-year-old! This marvel of nature is one age in body, another in his own mind! Not yet comfortable peeing all public potties, somehow he still musters up the courage to call you out for in public for that weird hair on your chin. This little man is a marvel! How does such a giant personality fit into such a small body? The mind boggles!
Next, take in the Tiny Tornado. Don’t be fooled by her gorgeous blue eyes and flowing golden hair, this one has no fear! Given to feats of bravery such as Couch BASE jumping, and known for her talent of drinking breakfast syrup, this one has the courage–and appetite–of ten grown men! The Tornado. Guaranteed to leave you smiling, but leave your house verrrry sticky.
And rounding out The Three Wonders is Mini. Even without the faculty of language, she can bring a household to a screeching halt with one single cry! Witness her persistence; there is no nap she can’t fight! Marvel at her singular ability to stay attached to the nipple of her host for hours upon end!
And behold, finally, our very own Bearded Lady. We call her mom. She juggles, she chases, she laments that very moment before she had kids when she dared utter, “My kids will never [fill in the blank.]”
Yes, folks, this act is a limited engagement, so get your tickets now!
(Admission free with guarantee of babysitting services from entrant.)