Often when I overhear moms I know talking to their childless friends, they’re always all, “There’s no way to know what how crazy it is until you have kids yourself.”
And, listening in, I’m all, “Yeah, that’s kinda true.”
But then this morning I had a revelation, and now I’m all… “You know what? Maybe there is one way they could know. A simple drill can prepare our friends for what is down the road! And I bet we could break it into 25 easy-to-do steps!”
So, my friend, here it is.
You can run through this exercise on any given day (although for the sake of gaining the realest experience, I suggest a weekday, since that is when most humans are expected to be productive), and you only need a few things!
The downside? It’s gonna kinda suck.
The upside? You will soon understand why the friend you used to know is now a crusty, exhausted, seemingly-lobotomized version of her former self.
So—for women who hope to be moms someday; for pregnant women who are going to be moms soon; or for that childless friend who is always asking why you’re late for LITERALLY EVERYTHING EVERY DAY—just send them this and they will get it! Like, a smidge.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
- A schedule for the day—but only things that you absolutely have to do. This can include but is not limited to: work, shopping, hanging out with friends and family, bathing and going to the bathroom.
- Your morning coffee/tea
- The outfit you are considering wearing for the day
- Some food you plan on cooking for
yourself andothers to eat
- A willing friend to hang out nearby and scream on command. ***IMPORTANT NOTE:*** This friend will heretofore be referenced as “Kid.”
WHAT YOU’LL NEED TO DO:
- 1 – On the day before your experiment, set your alarm for three hours before you would normally deem it acceptable to get up.
- 2 – Wake up at designated time.
- 3 – Roll over and make your way to the bathroom/to get a glass of water/whatever it is you do first thing in the morning.
- 4 – Stop in your tracks IMMEDIATELY before doing said task as your hear “Kid” summon you loudly from the other room.
- 5 – Run immediately to Kid, carry him to kitchen and set him down on the couch or floor with some toys as you meander sleepily back to the kitchen.
- 6 – Put water to boil for your tea/coffee.
- 7 – Ask Kid what s/he wants for breakfast and prepare it. Hand it over, turn on Nick Jr. and slip away quietly to finally pee.
- 8 – Sit down.
- 9 – Hear Kid scream loudly from other room, stop mid-stream, and run back to kitchen to find your carefully-prepared breakfast on the floor.
- 10 – While you’re here, reheat your tea/coffee. You forgot it was still sitting there!
- 11 – Go back and finally pee. (Note: This is approximately 45 minutes after wakeup.)
- 12 – Head back to kitchen. Clean up breakfast. Eat remaining toast crust and smashed berries from Kid’s plate while kicking what food remnants fell onto the floor underneath the kitchen table and well out of sight.
- 13 – Get clothes for Kid and dress him in this order, with 5 minutes in between each step, to account for time lapsed as Kid runs away between each round: diaper; shirt; shorts; socks; shoes; necessary hair accessories.
- 14 – Walk toward your room and begin brushing your teeth. (Note: This is the only grooming you will do inside the house.)
- 15 – Hear scream from Kid and run to family room with your mouth still full of bubbles.
- 16 – Address the urgent issue at hand for friend/pet, which will be the pressing need for you to change the channel from Nick Jr. to Disney Jr.
- 17 – Walk back to your bathroom and finish brushing your teeth.
- 18 – Go into closet and look for presentable outfit for the day. Spend one precious minute trying to piece it together, then resort out of sheer frustration and/or inability to fit into said outfit to a new outfit to consist of: one part yoga pants/sweatpants; one part sports bra; one part t-shirt; and any variation of flat shoes. Head back to family room. (You’re lookin’ good, sister, and almost ready to go!)
- 19 – Reheat your coffee/tea again and pour into travel mug.
- 20 – Notice that Kid’s shoes are somehow off his feet. Locate one under the couch and the other in the closet in his room, and put them on again.
- 21 – Set travel mug with coffee/tea near door, so you don’t forget it.
- 22 – Grab Kid and put him into car seat.
- 23 – Go back into house and grab at least two of these five items that you forgot to get on the way out: pacifier, sippy cup, extra diapers, wipes, and/or your coffee/tea.
- 24 – Put Kid’s items inside car. Forget your coffee/tea anyway.
- 25 – Get into car and drive to destination. Arrive 30 minutes late and feeling pretty damn good about yourself anyway.
And, congratulations! You have survived Part One of Typical Mom Day Training! 3 hours down, infinity beautiful/crazy hours to go.
I’ll put on another pot of coffee for you.