How to Be a Mom in 25 Simple Steps

Often when I overhear moms I know talking to their childless friends, they’re always all, “There’s no way to know what how crazy it is until you have kids yourself.”

And, listening in, I’m all, “Yeah, that’s kinda true.”

But then this morning I had a revelation, and now I’m all… “You know what? Maybe there is one way they could know. A simple drill can prepare our friends for what is down the road! And I bet we could break it into 25 easy-to-do steps!”

So, my friend, here it is.

You can run through this exercise on any given day (although for the sake of gaining the realest experience, I suggest a weekday, since that is when most humans are expected to be productive), and you only need a few things!

The downside? It’s gonna kinda suck.

The upside? You will soon understand why the friend you used to know is now a crusty, exhausted, seemingly-lobotomized version of her former self.

So—for women who hope to be moms someday; for pregnant women who are going to be moms soon; or for that childless friend who is always asking why you’re late for LITERALLY EVERYTHING EVERY DAY—just send them this and they will get it! Like, a smidge.


  • A schedule for the day—but only things that you absolutely have to do. This can include but is not limited to: work, shopping, hanging out with friends and family, bathing and going to the bathroom.
  • Your morning coffee/tea
  • The outfit you are considering wearing for the day
  • Some food you plan on cooking for yourself and others to eat
  • A willing friend to hang out nearby and scream on command. ***IMPORTANT NOTE:*** This friend will heretofore be referenced as “Kid.”


  • 1 – On the day before your experiment, set your alarm for three hours before you would normally deem it acceptable to get up.

And, congratulations! You have survived Part One of Typical Mom Day Training! 3 hours down, infinity beautiful/crazy hours to go.

I’ll put on another pot of coffee for you.

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